i have let myself become stuck in this depressing darkness for far too long. words from a close friend...

we're all headed towards the same place.. what difference does it make what job we had or what school we went to? as long as you lived your life with love and happiness and did what you felt compelled to do, you'll be alright.

how did i allow myself to forget that. =] i do believe my Norry-ness is back! sweet...

When does the insufferable pain
of self-inflicted change
submerge back into the desolate future
from which it stole your dreams?
The surreal future that held promise of
happiness evaporates into the abyss
of lost hope. It is no longer bliss
but restless reevaluation of the self
you once knew, and the self
you want to know. Holding nothing
and everything back all at once,
jumping into a pool of randomness
leaving behind you an utter mess
for all else to see and to judge.
You scream obscenities, you throw fits
you feel like you've been hit,
knocked off balance. Scrambling to find
your center once more, yet your fingers
can't seem to point, neither can your mind.
Your life is on a shrooms and your body,
your body is a lifeless host to a tortured spirit.
Seemingly trapped in Wonderland for eternity.
Contentment is a torturously fleeting idea
created by your past self to toy with the present. 
You try so desperately to find that genuine feeling
of hope, of joy; you try so hard, seeing
visions of it in things that don't exist.
And yet you are still transfixed
despite the clarity of its temporality.
Just keep swimming? Swimming in circles?
Fatiguing a dead spirit while holding up a mask;
yeah, we'll see how long that lasts.
 

There is something incredibly humbling about standing at the threshold of something you have been anticipating your entire life. It's almost surreal when it finally comes and you do a double-take to make sure you are not hallucinating. Eighteen- okay seventeen if you want to get technical- years I have been waiting for a number of things: graduation, moving out, "coming of age"...I suppose all these events entail a correspondingly greater deal of responsibility; but it is not the responsibility that has me feeling a bit "deer caught in headlights". It is the fact that it is finally here. That plain and simple fact gives all of it a reality that I subconsciously failed to recognize. I feel like my puppy when I let him free in a park. ...So anyways, I am hopping back on the community college train and trudging out the last half of the credits I need to hopefully transfer to USC-GO TROJANS!! However, GO BRUINS if USC rejects me. Haha! Shows the modern day value of loyalty. My cousin Anita is getting married. Congratulations to her. She is the first of the younger cousins (me, my sister, her, and her brother basically) to get married so GOOD LUCK! make all the mistakes first so that I don't have to girl..MWA HA HA...jk Anita if you are reading this..(*whispers* but not really...tehehe)...I went on a cruise to the Mediterranean with my sister and mom. WOW the food is great and there's lots of it so starve yourself a month before you ever go on a cruise. Greece is breathtaking and the wine was so great I had to buy some. My puppy doesn't love me anymore though. I have now spent so much time away from him that he considers my boyfriend's dad to be his new owner. Actually, it's probably only because he is the one that has been feeding him. Again, loyalty is so last century. I'm just kidding. He really does take better care of him than I do; not because he cares more but because he knows how. Oh well!

I still have not spoken with my father except when absolutely necessary...or forced. I am not falling for any of his antics this time around. Sure, I have a heart and that is exactly why I am protecting it. Do I really look like I am that naive? ...I know I know..You have no idea what I'm talking about. Well, I intend to keep it that way. I rather not wallow and cry to the world about how BAD my life is when it isn't. My life is actually pretty great right now. It is drama free for the most part and I like it that way. Call me proud but I do not intend to waiver from the ultimatum I gave my father. If I do, then 1. that shows I was not serious to begin with, and 2. he can continue to act like a selfish brat. Do I love my mother THAT much to cut my father out? No, it is not about that. It's the principle of the matter. Eventually, preferrabley not when you are 50+ years old but I guess everybody is different, you gotta grow up and learn to take even the minutest amount of responsibility for your life. Maybe he really has been changing because of this breach in relationship between me and him. If this is really the case then that is great but that does not change the fact that I have lost ALL...and I truly mean ALL respect for him as a father-figure. To tell you the truth, I never really saw much in him as a "role-model" but any bit that I miraculously did manage to see has vanished quicker than the respect that was once there out of necessity. He may still try to provide for me financially and he is doing so out of his own free will, NOT because I am asking him for anything. If he wants to buy me something, then so be it..I am a realistic girl and definitely am not inclined to reject whatever may come my way. But asking for help from a man who cannot even help himself, well that just seems funny to me. So to my father, thanks for nothing..I really mean that.

Enough ranting. I had the weirdest experience this weekend! I was at a 21+ club with some friends- don't ask me how I got in because I'm not telling - and I saw my chem teacher from last year there with his wife and friends! AH! Wow...I know he saw me and I know he knows I know also. (That was a little confusing). Mmmm something good is cooking downstairs. To finish up, it is a gorgeous day in sunny southern California. The sky is blue, the sun is shining, and there is a pleasantly light breeze. Aaaaah...am I starting to make any of you east coasters jealous? Heh heh heh...